Story of an excuse

Last Sunday has been one of the happiest days. My cousin got engaged to a beautiful girl liked by all of my family. It took quite a while for my cousin’s parents to be convinced, yet when they met the girl, the nod came in no time. Boy, all of us were happy, for this cousin was special to all of us. But, my problems began once the nod came for him.

Dad should have received more than 10 queries in the past year as to when would I get married. Ever since I started work four years ago, there have been queries. But, they have been more frequent for the past one year. And unlike earlier, Mom and Dad don’t shrug them off. They want me to get married at the earliest. Until now I could find an excuse; my cousin, who was elder to me. Now, I have no excuse and even if I find one, no one seems to be willing to listen. Not even the fact that I am only 25 year old now. To say the truth, I have seen girls, who I fear might force me into a commitment. Gosh! Why are Iyengar girls so beautiful? For all the good things, there is one reason I am not ready for marriage as yet. I am too unpredictable and I am aloof at times when others expect it the least.

I have seen a lot of shit in my young life. If I have seen faithfulness and loyalty, I have also seen betrayal and deception. But, the unfaithful were those whom I trusted with all my heart, all my life. Ever since I have laid a limit that no one shall cross. Those who are around don’t realize it, but I make a conscious effort about it. I have not let any one get very close, I have not let any one know me very well. I don’t fear a repeat of history. The fact is I don’t trust people anymore when one says they would be with me for ever. I have seen quite many of them who went back on their words.

This triggered off a behavior I didn’t expect to have. I am still an extrovert. Yet, others see mood swings in me. That’s because I make an effort not to spend a long time with the same set of people. V, K, and R are exceptions to it. But, there are many more people in my life who are victims of my choosy behavior. I alternate between sets of people and this makes them believe I have mood swings. I fear I might not be able to add the girl to the exceptions sooner. And I would not commit myself, when I don’t do it with all my heart. I would be ready for a commitment only and only when I see myself ready to add the girl to the exceptions the moment she enters my life. Until then, I find an excuse.

I am hurt like you are

I am hurt like you are. It was going good until I chose to stay aloof. The day I made an exception to the rule, the wheel turned back. I have heard several say that I have not been this, I have not been that, I have done this, I have done that. And I have only one answer to all, get off me.

I am hurt like you are. For all the things I get to hear about me, I know one thing, which others don’t try to realize. I have been more honest than others have been. If someone had a problem with me, it was up to them to let me know. I am no prophet to know what others think. Whenever I had a problem, I saw an uncomfortable situation, I made an effort to talk about it and sort it out. I didn’t wait for someone else to take the honors. And if you are one of those who talk about things, which I have never heard form you, it is not my problem when you don’t talk to me about it.

I am hurt like you are. For all of those who raise an accusation, I would want to tell: If you were hurt by something I have done, I am hurt by what you are doing now. If you had a problem, you should have talked to me about it. You should not have waited until it is all over and choose to vent all of it when I am not around. This is the last thing either of us should do.

I am hurt like you are. For all of those who call me unwilling, unfaithful, et al: Recollect all the moments when I have shown willingness to make my life yours. Recollect all the moments when I have shown willingness to make your pain mine. Recollect all the moments when I have shown willingness to make my joy yours. Recollect all the moments when I have shown willingness to make your path mine. For all that I do, there are things that you need to do too before calling me unwilling, unfaithful. I am hurt like you are.

Like the wind

Her smile is a precious ornament
That shines in my eyes
Her eyes tell a thousand stories
That I long to listen all day
Her talk is a sweet promise
That echoes in my heart
Her scent spells a magic
That I long to be cast in
Her embrace is a silent nod
That completes my love
Her kiss is a sweet venom
That I would die for

She is the silent wind
I hear my heart tick faster
She is the autumn wind
I see colors never seen before
She is the angry wind
I find no place to hide
She is the violent wind
I try to resist yet fail

A failed promise

I promised myself that I would not drag myself back into what it was. And I did everything to fulfill the promise. I chose a new destination. I chose new people. I chose only those not associated with what it was earlier or how it was earlier. I did something for the first time in life, be cautious. I showed a measure of caution towards everyone I meet, everything I see.

And boy, life was never that amazing. I had been living the promise well until the bug bit me again.

It is the old life again. I have dragged myself back into familiar situations. Times I wonder did I travel back in time. And then I realize that not everything is what it used to be. And that gives a hope; there is an end of road, where the new road begins. And I tell myself the promise failed itself to lead to a better one.

Shakalaka boom boom

I have been singing that ever since I downloaded it. And that made me thinking why not write about my favorite music. It’s certainly a difficult task considering the gigantic list of favorites I have. So I choose a number, seven. I chose to list seven songs that top the current play list, those I call the current craze.

Current Craze

1) Shakalaka Boom Boom: Himesh Reshamiya has struck gold. A certain chart buster, this should find a place at all the pubs, which play desi music. Lyrics are nothing to rant about, but the foot tapping music more than makes up for it. Having played the original and remix over ‘n’ over, I found the remix version marginally better than the original.

2) 5 Feet 8 Inches: Devi Sri Prasad has been on my favorites list for long now, but the lyricist Chandra Bose never was. With this song he is, for his lyrics dominate the music. Music can be called not routine at best, but its lyrics are what sell the song.

3) Rakhi Rakhi: Another Devi Sri Prasad song here. A peppy number with female voice lent by my current crush, Mamata Mohandas. Nothing great about this number and yet I play this repeatedly. Guess, Mamata is the magic word ;-)

4) Preminche Premava: A R Rahman might have been yawning or drowsy when he composed this and yet it manages to out do every other sing dished out by his competitors. Veturi is in high form penning lyrics in a way only he can. A special mention has to be made of Naresh Iyer, the way he raised the pitch of the song makes it even better.

5) Subah Subah: Excellent music by Vishal Sekhar coupled with very good lyrics by Vishal is what makes this song. Every time I play this song, I feel a growing attachment with it and it does look a strong contender to join the essentials.

6) Prathi dinam nee darshanam: Ilayaraja renders music for a Vamsi’s film after a decade and half. I would not need a better reason and Maestro does not disappoint. Typical vamsi movie lyrics and who else other than Veturi would fit the bill.

7) Tere Bin: Atif Aslam brings a sad fact. Bollywood has few guys after Sonu Nigam, who have such depth in their voice. This Pakistani singer is the best the industry has today. He proved it with Who Lamhe and goes on to show he is learning it faster with this one. And I pray he chooses Mumbai as his new home.

Like a shadow

Past few days have made me call hectic an understatement. Not just office, everything has been the same: Hectic, Chaotic. And all it took was the name, a girl who shares the same name as she does. It stands tall to haunt.

There have been times when I ended up doing things, which I might not do on hindsight. And yet I did. Neither do I blame myself nor do I intend to go back, try correct things. The last thing I have is patience for all of them. It goes without mentioning that most of my flings fall in this category. Impulsive, which shine until they last and end leaving no trace.

Yet when it comes back to her I seem to think, unlike me. She makes me wonder what life would have been had I thrown in some more patience and sincerity. She made me wonder about it ever since we parted. The thought persisted, through two flings, through a heart break. There it is. It persisted through a heart break. I have seen a noticeable change in the way I carry thoughts and the way I react to friends after the recent heart break. Yet, it did not change the way she makes me wonder. Times I think, I should have given in what she wanted and never parted ways. I rubbish it off in a second and yet I ponder over it.